Journey to Nirvana - pt 1

- A personal experience -

Do you ever contain so much information that you simply don’t know where to start or how to articulate what you’re trying to say?? We will see if I can function enough to explain my recent experience. 😅

On Tuesday, December 20th, I had one of the most terrifying, lucid, and wonderful experiences I’ve ever had in my life. So many shifts took place, and I’m still navigating how life looks after it occurred. I debated going into elaborate detail, but I’ve decided to keep it simple and enjoy the magical pieces of my journey in silent sacredness.

That particular Tuesday, my sciatica was flaring up beyond tolerance. I took an aid for the pain, which was a slight variation of past ones I’ve had. After about 20 minutes of feeling alright, I was struck by panic, nausea, and unbelievable chaos.

At first, I just felt kind of sick, like I could spew at any moment. Then my chest began to get heavy, by pulse started to quicken, and my breathing became rapid. This was quite unexpected as I have never had this sort of “reaction” before.

I described the feeling of being “blocky,” and heavy. I got off of the couch and made my way to the bedroom to lie down. I felt foggy physically, and my head started to spin. Once I lied down, I closed my eyes and tried to rest. It only took a couple of moments for everything to change.

I started to feel and envision something taking up space in my upper torso - the best I can describe it is something like a metal panel - this object began to contort, to widen and flare at the ends and start to move through these motions repeatedly. It felt alarming, and would not stop. My head began to sink into darkness. I could feel my mind disappear, my control over my Being slip away, and the crushing sensation of my heart stopping.

I could feel myself die.

These sensations worsened. Over and over again I could recognize the feeling and the all-knowing and understanding of this is what it feels like to die. I was suffocating in every way. Being crushed by the darkness and ever-growing torture that was this moment.

To put everything out there, I’ve always been curious about death. What it is like. What is after. What the process entails. Not out of desire, but out of curiosity of the knowledge. Of what else there might be. My whole life I have struggled with existence, of why I am here, what my purpose is, and what is all of this for? Fascinated about all of the possibilities, the joy and peace, the contentment, the everything we may think exists beyond this form.

Yogic practices have brought me to this knowledge, to this experience of getting close to knowing my purpose and being comfortable with what is.

Having not had the knowledge that I do now, I don’t know if I could have made it through this experience.

Panicked, I yelled out for my partner. He entered the room to find me breathing heavily, seated on our bed, and trying not to die.

I asked him to help me ground. I had tried everything I possibly could before reaching out to him. I couldn’t control my breathing. I couldn’t feel myself tapping (EFT) or tracing, or digging my nails into my skin. I asked him to rub my arm while I continued to focus on these elements. I needed something tangible, something to bring me back from the darkness.

It wasn’t working.

I blurted, “I need to go outside,” and rushed out of the bedroom, out of the front door, and into the snow covered driveway with my partner behind me. It was below freezing. I was barefoot and digging my palms into the snow, attempting to feel anything at all. I couldn’t. I tried to breathe. It was difficult.

I stayed for several minutes, and still couldn’t notice any sensations. I went back inside and into the bathroom, trying to encourage my body mentally to release this darkness.

As I sit hovered over the toilet, I began to panic. Every thought of the past came rolling in like the tide. I could feel past sensations of trauma, of childhood experiences, negative emotions and all things associated with the past and hurt and abuse.

It took a while, but eventually I did release. My toes and fingers began to tingle. I could feel waves throughout my body. Almost as if it were trying to expel whatever was holding me hostage. I could feel the waves move through my body. In phases, making perfect sense and starting to become aware of what it all meant.

I could feel my lower Chakras begin to stir, to recognize these feelings of pain and previous life moments. Slowly, it began to release, to move through my body and out (in the form of.. you know) and I could let it go. I observed these things as they went, knowing in my mind that these things happened, and it was my life then. The oh-nos, the I need tos. Of the things I hadn’t accomplished, of the desires and mistakes. Then transitioning into it is what it is, and then acceptance. I recognized this as it was happening. I could hear myself silently say, Okay, this was my life. That is perfect.

I sat there, afraid to move. While I was slowly privy to multiple epiphanies throughout the rest of this journey, the fear had not lessened, not yet. Shortly after, the next round of release began. This time, I could feel my middle Chakras begin to move, to gather.

The thoughts of what my life has been like recently popped through. My recent journeys and experiences. But mainly my loved ones, the good, the happiness. Knowing that if I do cease, that they are wonderful. They are perfect. This love is perfect. It is okay.

And as I watched these things come and go, I acknowledged them. I could see them, feel them loosely, and eventually they began to clear. And I heard myself again, this was my life, and that is perfect.

Again, I began to release.

PART TWO WILL BE POSTED IN ONE WEEK.